WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE? WHAT IS GOING ON?
I have so many thoughts in my head right now. I'm sitting in a window seat at some unnamed bar near the cultural center of Guanajuato. I'm on beer number 4; I finished a liter-sized Paloma before that. I plan to drink a few more Victorias and then wander the subterranean walkways of this town as the night grows older.
My mind's been in Chicago lately. I'm talking to half-a-dozen good friends on G-Chat right now; I'm looking at photos of my city. I'm supremely jealous of the gnarly winter that's happening back home.
Why can't I be content in each and every moment? Eh, fuck that. I can be; I am. I can be happy with my station and still long for another. That's normal. Right?
I'm half-planning an ocean-rowing adventure; I'm fretting over my job prospects. Is this proper?
Will I have enough money to live an independent life when I come back to Chicago? Will I even return to Chicago long-term? Am I going to be a 27 year-old man living with my parents? They're going to charge me rent if I move back home, and they should. My parents are the best two people I know. I mean it.
Where does life go from here? I'm trying to be more honest lately. I find it easy to bury myself in a hard-nosed, stiff-upper-lip philosophy. I'm the oldest of five children. Nothing affects me, I'm beholden to no agenda.
Is that authentic? Should I open myself up more? God, I cringe at the notion of letting my emotions dictate my actions completely. But I'm jealous of those who can. I do mean it.
This isn't some "the road has changed me!" rant. These are thoughts I've had all along. These are ideas that have plagued me since before I left. Since I graduated college, maybe.
What's satisfying? What makes me happy? If I'm to indulge in cliche, then one thing that cycling all this time has taught me is that home is people. My friendships, my family, my relationships - these are the things that satisfy me. This is what makes me happy. How do I reconcile that with my personal ambition to see the world? In a very real sense, I can't sit still, but I'm happiest when I am with those I love. How does that work?
I recognize that typing this out is some sort of catharsis. Penning this is a form of personal honesty. There's no real answer. This isn't unique; these thoughts aren't wholly my own. This shit's normal. This internal recognition is a legitimate response to a very universal issue. Still, where does it go from here? I suppose most people are asking the same question of themselves, right?
This is so boring. I'd delete this whole thing if I listened to myself, but I'm going to commit to this for now. I'm going to finish this beer and walk around for a while. I'm restless.